I just remembered, in my heart, that there are other ways of being. And I asked myself, “How then do I enter these other selves, other modalities?”, and I realize that two things can bring this kind of transformation: Life experience that pushes, prompts, eases, or opens us to a new awareness, a shifted state of mind, or reflection and meditation.

And both require readiness. That is key. You can put me in many situations, including that of meditation, and I will remain…….unless I am ready to move, change, give up, let go, arise, awaken, or adventure.

I wonder what the dream was last night that prompted this early morning insight? Its a gift, and one I hope to explore throughout the day.

 

-Alex

2-11-08

Quite tired today. Ultimate Frisbee yesterday was somehow quite draining. Very windy, 2.5 hours of running, laughing, throwing and catching. I was late today for therapy, only 5 minutes, but it could have been much worse. I just didn’t want to get up, even though I woke up hours early. I fell back asleep and woke up with 25 minutes to get to the office.

We talked about that of course. Its probably the most popular topic in therapy! “Why are you late, client?”. But it was nonetheless a good talk. I explained that I’ve been feeling rather ambivalent about the whole project, that I don’t feel I’m ‘getting somewhere’ in a measurable way. So we took a different and more concrete approach today consequentially.

And the constant irritating issue came up that I don’t seem to be able to ‘Say the words’ (as my therapist puts it), but that I’m so close. So I feel a great anxiety, but it never breaks through into consciousness. He described it as getting naked, so I started to take off my shirt, and we laughed about how much easier that is than, in my words, becoming psychically naked. I just can’t seem to let down my guard. His words of taking the attitude of bearing witness to my vulnerability are encouraging. I do think he’s an incredibly mature and trustworthy man.

I found myself saying: “If not here, where? If not now, when?” to encourage myself, but to no real avail. And I described how its frustrating in that it seems that I can’t even get through the first step here. That I cannot, or rather, will not, identify my issues, my pain, my wishes, and that without that I cannot then take steps to address whatever it is I find. So I’m constantly skirting the first step, and it grows worrisome. I don’t have infinite years to deal. I have this moment, and this one, and this one.

So we talked about some practical concerns, such as my living arrangements, my initial call to my therapist to look at what I initially wanted or thought was problematic. We looked at what I gain and lose by the decisions I’m making in my life right now, and then 50 minutes were up. But it does seem that the very key is in becoming vulnerable, psychically naked, and that I’m going to have to find a way to do this. I don’t really need to think about anything else until I do this.

Why am I so tired today? Am I trying to avoid these painful things with sleep?

So boring. So banal. So important.

Personal Update 2-7-08

Its been awhile since I posted anything to any of my blogs. I’ve been busy with 3 projects: Setting up this new computer and imaging it. Its a very nice machine compared to what I’d been using, and I’ve been tweaking it further. Secondly, I’ve picked up 3 more computer clients, so I’ve been busy making bank. I’ve calculated that I can earn > $120,000 / year working < 40 hours a week if I fill out my client list. I’ve found the niche I want to occupy. More on that in a bit. Thirdly, I’ve been playing with Joomla on my new webserver, with the long-term aim of setting up a multi-purpose set of websites: 1. Freact.com as an anarchist / freethinker webportal and news space. 2. A support site for my consulting business. 3. A multi-blog host for myself and friends.

Whoa, this new monitor is making me a little dizzy. I’ve got it set to 1920×1200, which is too much, even for its size. But it makes working on web development so much easier: pages next to each other.

I continue to listen to psychology podcasts and want to journal about them more frequently. There is such a wealth of things to explore in that arena, and I want to keep track and build on my understanding of the human condition with a bit more on the reflection end.

In some ways I continue to feel as lost as ever, but in others, I know that I’ve forged and reforged some solid pathways that are going to be a joy to explore. Oh, speaking of ‘lost’, I watched about half of “Into the Wild” the other night. Its just as I thought. I knew a few years ago from only a few sentences that I would find the story troubling, and have avoided it ever since. But curiosity got the better of me, and I’m enjoying it. I’ll try to self-analyze and analyze the movie later.

Ultimate frisbee has picked up again, and I’m loving it. Its such the perfect exercise and low-key social thing. It makes my week.