Insight into my stuckness: I’m caught in a moment where assertion isn’t a seeming option, where my own needs are denied. Its a waiting pattern in that though I do not consciously know what I’m waiting for, wishing, hoping will come to pass, I remain entangled in early relationships, keeping proximity in exchange for knowledge. Perhaps I think that if I just wait long enough I will be noticed, accepted, seen, loved?

I realized this after feeling great relief at some approval thrown my way by one of my primary objects. I didn’t think I cared, but the feeling was real. The horse and rider are switching places and I’m now willing to really listen to the horse and adjust the rider.

If the unconscious has deep channels of need, its the rider’s job to address these, not pretend they don’t exist. This is like a horse that needs soothing, food, water, combing, shodding, etc.. Ignore those things at your peril, as both horse and rider depend on the horse, whereas only the rider depends on the rider. IE, the horse comes first.

It is difficult knowing that I’m stuck in a longterm pattern but being unable to understand it or address it. That is part of the pattern of course….