First off, I do think your experience in therapy is a common one. Though there seems to be a bit of a disconnect in that the emotions rise seemingly of their own accord and seemingly out of proportion to events (just sitting and talking with a trustworthy person is not congruous with feeling strong feelings of sadness, anger, despair, etc..), there is a connection. With the safety to be yourself in front of another, the safety to be seen, one can start to uncoil the defended anxieties within. In many ways I do think that this process is the sine qua non of the therapeutic experience.
There are hundreds of schools of psychology, and though most that I know about acknowledge this cornerstone there are still many ways to approach this.
I currently go through a very similar experience to yours with my therapist, whom I’m seeing twice a week. I too feel a mix of emotions as they come forward, and I too feel embarrassment and shame. There is a great ambivalence there about going ahead and pouring it all out.
As Niels says, it can depend on the other person. We can’t consciously make ourselves trust someone with our unconscious. We can give conscious trust, and try to remain open to full trust with all our being, but as has been alluded to by Zebra Foal, our current lack of trust is for a reason. Either the other person isn’t trustworthy and its time to find someone else, or its just going to take us awhile to relearn to trust someone we believe is worthy of our trust.
Thats one perspective in brief.
Another is the idea that ‘high emotionality’ itself can be causal in the generation of ineffective coping mechanisms (ie things like depression, anxiety, and all the way up to psychosis), and that this can in turn drive the formation of various coping mechanisms. This idea comes from a newer branch of Cognitive Behavior Therapy called Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I’ve been reading http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Private-Practice/dp/1572244208 by Thomas Marra recently. I’ve really enjoyed it. I’m new to the ideas behind the theory, but DBT, like CBT enjoys some of the most rigorous testing of effectiveness of all the various schools of psychology.
I haven’t fully assimilated the core ideas of DBT, so I won’t try to summarize other than to point to the book above and say that its been an unexpectedly refreshing way to reconceptualize what we do with our emotions, what they are all about, and how they can contribute to problems down the road.
Yet a third way to look at your experience would be from Attachment Theory, a venerable and also empirically verified branch of psychology. Attachment theory would have more to say directly about the why and how of the trust relationship that you were building with your therapist, and perhaps would give you some insights into the ambivalence you seem to be feeling about the situation. My first exploration into this theory was through this book, which I highly recommend : http://www.amazon.com/Dialectical-Behavior-Therapy-Private-Practice/dp/1572244208
Wow, I sound like I think bibliotherapy is the way to go. I don’t at all. Just some good books to bring fresh insights. From what you’ve described though, it sounds to me like you are totally on the right track. Those moments when your emotions come to the surface are the way forward (totally my opinion and experience).
You described recognizing this; that though it was possibly frightening, and certainly charged, that you wanted to push ahead. Then when you tried to let more out you shut yourself down (I’ll take it that this was somewhat reflexive and not what you had consciously intended?).
I
Am
Right
There
With
You!
This is still happening to me in therapy. Its a much slower process than I would wish. I described it like this just this week to my therapist:
“Its like I see a green pasture in sunlight and I long to be there. Its just across a little brook. All I have to do is jump over and I can be there.”. I was describing that although my affect was highly emotional: tears streaming, face flushed, tissue stock prices going up all over town, I was still ‘not there yet’. That although I did feel sad, frightened, embarrassed, and deeply ambivalent, I also felt great hope, and not insignificant relief.
Thats a whole lot to feel at once, let alone describe while one is feeling it. And I do know this for myself: I couldn’t even see the meadow and the brook without another person there to witness. The “Other” is important in many aspects of life. For better or worse a trustworthy other to be present with is central to emotional life, imo.
Relearning to trust someone else with my deepest vulnerability is hard work. And it absolutely does depend on their trust-worthiness. It is relational.
I too get quite frustrated with the time it seems to take. I describe my experience like this: I want to jump into a pool of water, but instead climb in, so slowly that my muscles ache and strain. Months go by as I slowly submerge one toe, then another. Sometimes I pull a foot entirely back out and start all over. The time pressure is immense. In my anxious mind the time for me to get in the pool was many years ago. I feel totally silly just hanging here on the edge waving to passer-by: “Yep, I’m getting in, just you see!”.
But I am getting faster. The end, though not in sight, is clearly possible. Hell, its beyond likely at this point. Yeah, I wish I had learned these things a long time ago. Yeah I wish I was there already. But no, I don’t take these wishes as ultimatums anymore. I am who I am. This is my turtle-like process, and I will do anything to self-rescue. Right now, this is what it takes.
So, that being my experience after 60+ therapy sessions so far, with a guy I think merits my trust, you know what I will say about your experience so far Gabe: You can do it, and it might take more than 2 sessions!
It very likely will be awkward. Who can you be awkward around and feel fine about it? You will likely again shut yourself down. Who can you shutdown with and then rebuild with? Who will help you, when you want it, to face your fears?
Someone secure in themselves. Someone worthy of trust.
Good luck Gabe! I really enjoyed your honest and direct post about your experience. Courage is great to witness.
-S
