Ultimate hurts so good…

Getting that ‘get organized’ feeling, only now I can see the (a?) fork in the choice to motivate along these lines. I’m not getting organized to feel accomplishment, achievement, worthiness, etc.., but to lower the hurdles to future action.

There are usually flashes of “I can’t”, “I don’t want to”, etc.. Typical resistances. Today, though I still feel a little off from yesterday (sore, sick, weary, lost), I also feel potential. Its sort of like hope, but a little more concrete. I sense that where I follow the softening, warm, human impulses, I may get traction rather than excuses for defenses.

…….

About the frisbee chick that I talked with. She did say one hurtful thing that has stayed with me because it hit a sore spot; But it was odd, and I instantly knew it was a reflection of her reaction-formation to connecting with me, rather than something she said with any conviction. As we talked, another chiquita asked when I graduated highschool. “1988”. “Whoa, but you look so young! You’re really old!…..Lets see, that makes you …. 37?” “Yep…. its an advantage of being immature…you also tend to look younger than you are…”.

“Yeah, I did X and Y and Z after majoring in X and Y and Z. Then I did A, B, C… And my work now is o.k., but I really still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up…”

“You don’t have to worry about that.”

“What, because I’m never going to grow up? I don’t know about that…(mutter mutter)”.

(Blush, gather backpack). (more conversation, then everyone goes home, but blusher goes first).

I think… I think that Blusher just blurted that out sans conscious control. She finds herself attracted to me, excited to talk in a relaxed way about semi-shared experiences (highschool) but defends heavily with a set of rigid rules about what people should be like. I’d noted this earlier when discussing the academic weakness of our highschool and how she’d had to transfer out to have any more classes to take.

The ‘immature’ bit was too tempting for the inner rule-maker not to take the bait.

But I’ll admit that even knowing this at the time didn’t prevent the sting. I’d also been enjoying myself and knew that this would be ‘conversation over’ unless we could get past the rule-maker and embarrassment therein.

It stings because I am immature in some ways. And even though I’ve freely chosen a course away from the mainstream, a lot of those choices were because I felt I couldn’t possibly succeed in life within the mainstream. Too much inner rebeliousness, too claustraphobic. And though now, older, I’m almost proud of how I’ve resisted joining the herd, I secretly know that subjectively I felt insecure and not a little jealous of those who could play the conform-compete-network game so naturally and with so little inner resistance.

Those long lonely years of pre-teen and teenage angst are unresolved to some degree. And when I’m called on it, even by someone’s reaction-formation, it sometimes stings.

I can’t explain it, but I can enjoy it, nurture it, sense it. There is some shift happening within, and a day like today amplifies and concretizes some new inner base. Or maybe its just a first step in a long series of steps. I don’t have any metaphors really, because it is just raw feeling. Language is always post-facto to feeling, never encapsulating it, only pointing the way.

Played a fun few games of Ultimate this afternoon. I have the cuts and bruises to remember the day. Maybe I’ll take a picture. Kinda gross. Our field is terrible.

Got to talking with one of the female players after the game and it turns out we went to the same high school, though at different times. It was so great to just feel comfortable telling the truth about my life, my experience, and to share a connection in reminiscing about old teachers we both remember fondly.

The feeling was there all day though. Just a relaxed friendliness. An appreciation of the new players we had out today, and an enjoyment of the ad hoc team banter.

Whatever has held me asleep for years is loosening its grasp. There are moments of sunshine and aliveness now that are hard to deny, hard to forget in favor of some re-collapse of spirit and awareness in the face of anxieties and old habits.

Thats it really. I want to live before I die. I think I will. I think I’ll just go ahead and live.

I’m afraid of my emotions. Wait, paradox…..

Diffusing irrationality, neuroses, means that in some manner one learns to be objective about their subjective experience.

A kid is given a ‘time out’ of 10 minutes after ‘acting out’. He sits on the stairs and broods.

Or, having learned to objectify from healthy others, he really takes the time out to reflect and see himself and his behavior in context. Is the request for a time out a power play by the parent, guardian, or teacher? Or is it true that he can gain some insight into his own reactions, and that the request was benevolent?

It just occurs to me that one’s emotional life is actually very simple, while we’re able to step outside our subjective experience and at the same time both accept our full experience and also see it in context.

As I began to write this, I had thoughts flash through my mind that “I’m too tired”, or “It doesn’t matter, skip writing”. I believe that a part of me is quite attached to a certain mode of being and doesn’t want to see the truth, while another is growing stronger and asserting itself almost against my will.

I’ve had several experiences in the last few weeks of social risk-taking, of spontaneous ease, of reflective insight, and of deep perception into the lives of others. This part of me is awake, and growing. I’m glad I like it, because this change seems of its own accord.

I just remembered, in my heart, that there are other ways of being. And I asked myself, “How then do I enter these other selves, other modalities?”, and I realize that two things can bring this kind of transformation: Life experience that pushes, prompts, eases, or opens us to a new awareness, a shifted state of mind, or reflection and meditation.

And both require readiness. That is key. You can put me in many situations, including that of meditation, and I will remain…….unless I am ready to move, change, give up, let go, arise, awaken, or adventure.

I wonder what the dream was last night that prompted this early morning insight? Its a gift, and one I hope to explore throughout the day.

 

-Alex

2-11-08

Quite tired today. Ultimate Frisbee yesterday was somehow quite draining. Very windy, 2.5 hours of running, laughing, throwing and catching. I was late today for therapy, only 5 minutes, but it could have been much worse. I just didn’t want to get up, even though I woke up hours early. I fell back asleep and woke up with 25 minutes to get to the office.

We talked about that of course. Its probably the most popular topic in therapy! “Why are you late, client?”. But it was nonetheless a good talk. I explained that I’ve been feeling rather ambivalent about the whole project, that I don’t feel I’m ‘getting somewhere’ in a measurable way. So we took a different and more concrete approach today consequentially.

And the constant irritating issue came up that I don’t seem to be able to ‘Say the words’ (as my therapist puts it), but that I’m so close. So I feel a great anxiety, but it never breaks through into consciousness. He described it as getting naked, so I started to take off my shirt, and we laughed about how much easier that is than, in my words, becoming psychically naked. I just can’t seem to let down my guard. His words of taking the attitude of bearing witness to my vulnerability are encouraging. I do think he’s an incredibly mature and trustworthy man.

I found myself saying: “If not here, where? If not now, when?” to encourage myself, but to no real avail. And I described how its frustrating in that it seems that I can’t even get through the first step here. That I cannot, or rather, will not, identify my issues, my pain, my wishes, and that without that I cannot then take steps to address whatever it is I find. So I’m constantly skirting the first step, and it grows worrisome. I don’t have infinite years to deal. I have this moment, and this one, and this one.

So we talked about some practical concerns, such as my living arrangements, my initial call to my therapist to look at what I initially wanted or thought was problematic. We looked at what I gain and lose by the decisions I’m making in my life right now, and then 50 minutes were up. But it does seem that the very key is in becoming vulnerable, psychically naked, and that I’m going to have to find a way to do this. I don’t really need to think about anything else until I do this.

Why am I so tired today? Am I trying to avoid these painful things with sleep?

So boring. So banal. So important.

Personal Update 2-7-08

Its been awhile since I posted anything to any of my blogs. I’ve been busy with 3 projects: Setting up this new computer and imaging it. Its a very nice machine compared to what I’d been using, and I’ve been tweaking it further. Secondly, I’ve picked up 3 more computer clients, so I’ve been busy making bank. I’ve calculated that I can earn > $120,000 / year working < 40 hours a week if I fill out my client list. I’ve found the niche I want to occupy. More on that in a bit. Thirdly, I’ve been playing with Joomla on my new webserver, with the long-term aim of setting up a multi-purpose set of websites: 1. Freact.com as an anarchist / freethinker webportal and news space. 2. A support site for my consulting business. 3. A multi-blog host for myself and friends.

Whoa, this new monitor is making me a little dizzy. I’ve got it set to 1920×1200, which is too much, even for its size. But it makes working on web development so much easier: pages next to each other.

I continue to listen to psychology podcasts and want to journal about them more frequently. There is such a wealth of things to explore in that arena, and I want to keep track and build on my understanding of the human condition with a bit more on the reflection end.

In some ways I continue to feel as lost as ever, but in others, I know that I’ve forged and reforged some solid pathways that are going to be a joy to explore. Oh, speaking of ‘lost’, I watched about half of “Into the Wild” the other night. Its just as I thought. I knew a few years ago from only a few sentences that I would find the story troubling, and have avoided it ever since. But curiosity got the better of me, and I’m enjoying it. I’ll try to self-analyze and analyze the movie later.

Ultimate frisbee has picked up again, and I’m loving it. Its such the perfect exercise and low-key social thing. It makes my week.

Fried Mind with that sir? Obsessions and the erosion of self

Obsessions are strange spiders, building webs I cannot see.  Caught, and thinking I’m free. Bought, but thinking I’m me.

Yeah, so I spent the last 2 days trying to get a certain not-to-be-mentioned underground copy of Windows XP to install on one of my machines, an old one (6 years old). A strange thing to get obsessed with, don’t you think? It was a ‘productive’ experience, in that I learned quite a bit more than I’d planned. But who am I fooling? Why did I even bother with it, install after install, tweak, fix, research, script, DOS, install, etc.. for 10 hours or so? I had a perfectly good OS to put back in place, but I persisted with the one that wouldn’t work. I gave up other projects, like Joomla, website content, relearning CSS, getting more familiar with Ubuntu, etc.. for a few days, just to focus on this one thing. I got less exercise, I read less, I thought less, and now I feel like shit really. Burnt out.

I have some idea that I’m going to go back into computer consulting full time, and that’s my excuse for endless tinkering, though dimly, in the back of my mind, I remember that this is why I gave it up a couple of years ago: I’m too able to slip out of time and into software. Besides, I don’t want to be a great jack-of-all-trades computer guy. It is boring in the end. Well, not boring, but its not satisfying to my soul or self. Putting checks in the bank ATM yesterday was satisfying though. What do I want, and how do I stay on track to get there? Another boring question, but personally I need to ask it on the hour, every hour.

Washed out,

GF

Psychology Podcasts

I’m thinking of doing a review synopsis of various psychology podcasts available free on the web. I have a few favorites, and have listened to 1 or 2 of many of the others. With all that listening time, maybe a review would be useful for people.

1-19-08 Diary and Reflection on Blogging

So its been about 3 weeks since I started my WP blog, Towards Growing Freedom. I’m fairly happy with it. I was really sick of my Greatest Journal blog. Its gone now, apparently. I’m glad I backed up many of the entries last year.

What I don’t like about WordPress.com blogs: Slow, lack of template editing, not really a fun place for the hacker in me. What I do like: Easy to use, most everything makes sense, its easy to get a clean looking blog, and the widgets are actually useful (though again slow)

I’ve been building a website over the last couple of days, the main point of which is to get some much needed and overdue CSS, PHP, and DHTML practice in. I’ll link it of course to these blogs when I get something worth visiting going.

I may create a few practice web pages over the next few weeks, and I’ll post some links here perhaps. Making websites is so much fun.

Watching a video on using Dreamweaver. Its o.k. (Total Training), but I’m missing the second DVD where she goes into CSS and the meaty stuff. I’m working on getting that second DVD .

My computer clients are busily using my skills. I calculated that I could earn >100,000 US working 40 hours a week. I think I have to say ‘Yes’ to that!

Mostly I don’t enjoy the work in the ‘this is my life’s work’ department, but I do enjoy helping people, and I get to learn all sorts of workarounds by defeating various problems that come up for clients. These last weeks I’ve: Set up and secured some wireless routers, fixed speed issues on various machines, secured firewalls, antivirus, anti-spyware applications, installed stupid Outlook 2007 and got it to work with various webmail servers, gotten some RAM for some old machine, transferred files to new machines, and done lots of diagnoses on slow machines.

Meh, boring!

I’m off to the store for a minute, then will probably read more of my brother’s Family Therapy textbook. Pretty good so far. I really feel like I’m getting a handle on how the various schools of psychology interface, how we’ve come to look at the life of the mind, etc..

I’d like to write about more personal goings-on, but there’s not much to say today. I’ve successfully gotten stuck-in to nerdland and my emotional life is keeping a low profile. I need to do some reflection on that.